I never wanted to allow myself to feel. I thought that if I lost the good feelings at least I’ve spared the bad ones. The pain, grief, anger, sadness, nostalgia, etc. I knew I was going to miss out on a variety of different levels of ecstasy, but even that delivers the lowest down afterwards. I failed. I failed to let the barricade around my heart stand strong. I didn’t put it up to see who was worth the entry. I put it up to spare myself the misery.